It’s high time I got better service at restaurants, so I decided I needed an honorary PhD. A master’s degree doesn’t even get you a table next to the kitchen.
My friend down the street owns a beauty parlor called (name changed to protect the innocent) The Latrope College of Beauty, where people undergo the many processes of beautification, but where students are also taught the various arcane secrets of eliciting radiant health from hair and skin. The school's motto is "Beauty is not so much a matter of adding cosmetics as removing that which hinders one's natural glow." Well, the outfit had the word “college” in it, so I approached my neighbor.
“Could you give me a certificate?” I asked Myra, the owner.
“I’d get arrested,” she replied.
“I won’t file it with the state. And could you, by any chance, stencil a big 'PhD' at the top?”
Myra, along with other housewives in my neighborhood, regards me as harmless, the man who doesn’t leave home and claims he’s a ghostwriter, whatever that is.
And so I am now an honorary (and illegitimate) Doctor of Depilatory Science. “Dr. Hammett, table for two.” And “Dr. Hammett, your table is ready now."
And why not? George Bush only prevailed in one out of two elections, and yet the country allows the man to lead the free world courtesy of bogus credentials. He gets free airplane and helicopter rides, plus he is allowed to pervert and besmirch (we doctors can use this kind of language) a two-hundred-year-old democracy. As Latrope would say, he has not removed that which hinders America's natural glow, although he has indeed added a lot of unnecessary cosmetics.
My friend down the street owns a beauty parlor called (name changed to protect the innocent) The Latrope College of Beauty, where people undergo the many processes of beautification, but where students are also taught the various arcane secrets of eliciting radiant health from hair and skin. The school's motto is "Beauty is not so much a matter of adding cosmetics as removing that which hinders one's natural glow." Well, the outfit had the word “college” in it, so I approached my neighbor.
“Could you give me a certificate?” I asked Myra, the owner.
“I’d get arrested,” she replied.
“I won’t file it with the state. And could you, by any chance, stencil a big 'PhD' at the top?”
Myra, along with other housewives in my neighborhood, regards me as harmless, the man who doesn’t leave home and claims he’s a ghostwriter, whatever that is.
And so I am now an honorary (and illegitimate) Doctor of Depilatory Science. “Dr. Hammett, table for two.” And “Dr. Hammett, your table is ready now."
And why not? George Bush only prevailed in one out of two elections, and yet the country allows the man to lead the free world courtesy of bogus credentials. He gets free airplane and helicopter rides, plus he is allowed to pervert and besmirch (we doctors can use this kind of language) a two-hundred-year-old democracy. As Latrope would say, he has not removed that which hinders America's natural glow, although he has indeed added a lot of unnecessary cosmetics.
And in the great scheme of things, what does it matter if I get my shrimp scampi a little faster?
(picture: public domain)
(picture: public domain)
9 comments:
shrimp scampi? I bet it is good down there...
I was given a driver's license in australia that said I could drive everything. It had my picture and was legal and everything. I just wasn't allowed to use it ot the two cops who issued it would have been in trouble.
Scott, the shrimp scampi here is excellent, at least when the restaurant uses jumbo Gulf shrimp.
while the story is funny, I wonder if Beauty Parlors can hand out doctor's certificate....?
I mean the tag you've been given really reads the letters 'Dr.' ?
I think I'm missing something.
No, szelsofa--it's my foolishness again, which is probably not very clear. Since the beauty parlor has the word "college" in it (it's a teaching institution), I asked my neighbor, who knows I'm a nut case, if she would stencil "PhD" on one of her licences, this being the closest I could get to an honorary degree. Thanks for stopping by, even if it wasn't clear. You are always welcome!
lol!
I think 'Dr Billy' has a certain gravitas.
And if there's a candle accident in the restaurant and they need a doctor, you can apply the Latrope Wax Removal Manoeuvre! They will add an extra scampi to your plate for that:-)
ps and yes, think of the all the extra vocabulary you can use now:-)
Taken literally, its getting to the stage over here where a genuine PhD is the entry level for an increasing number of careers.
Lane, I am throwing around beauty parlor parlance like nobody's business!
Julie, unless they like beauty parlor doctorates in the Isles, I'll have to stay on this side of the pond :)
Somebody having two real blogs is blowing my mind.
I'll be back later...
Church Lady, I must have been insane to think I could keep two going. This one is suffering severe neglect. Plus I have way too much work as I try to finish a client's memoirs. But this has proven addictive--and fun :) Thanks for stopping by. I'd love to put you on my fav links. Love your blog.
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