Rudy Giuliani's Bug-eyed Bid for the Presidency

After four years of George’s “shoulder-shake” when he guffaws at something inappropriate, such as death and war, it is disconcerting to think of popeyed Rudy taking the oath of office. He opens his eyes wide every fifteen to thirty seconds when making a point, as if his ocular orbs might pop forth like ping-pong balls. But here’s the ten-thousand-dollar question: For all his increased powers of optometric magnification, can he really see any better than the rest of the candidates?

As for as his platform that he ran New York City like the “flagship city” of the country, especially after 9/11, several New Yorkers have told me that he lowered the crime rate through brutal police tactics. He got the job done, but at what price? Will this mentality carry over into foreign policy? Will the bug-eyed mayor step up water-boarding in the name of mom, apple pie, and the Christian Coalition?

He claims to have met New York City’s payroll. Big whoop. If that’s a qualification, then Myron Mandelbaum over at American Widget should be able to step into the oval office with no trouble. But maybe Giuliani’s silver dollar eyes don’t see that balancing a national budget is different than making sure the meter maids and garbage collectors are paid on time.

And what if President Rudy pops the eyeball while talking with foreign dignitaries and heads of state? They might well think that the leader of the free world is a two-bit carny or hypnotist pressed into service from the great Manhattan Midway. The United States needs a leader who is free of facial tics and grimaces, one who looks like a statesman. When it comes to bad body language and contorted facial expressions, it’s a case of “been there, done that.”

Rudy Giuliani is a one-trick pony. He was a mayor who put on a fire helmet at the right time, but many of the city’s rescue workers are suffering from lung diseases and even now can’t get proper healthcare. He’s the worst kind of slick fish that NewsDive encounters: an opportunist. But that should come as no surprise regarding a man who got into bed with Pat Robertson last week. Ugh—there’s a picture I don’t want impressed on my cerebral cortex!

So here’s my advice, Mayor Giuliani: Stop the William F. Buckley impression. You’ve had your fifteen minutes of fame, so go home and write a memoir. Joe Biden was correct. You’re the least qualified person in the field. Even Myron Mandelbaum has you beat.

You’re no fresh-catch-of-the-day, Mr. Mayor. For attempting to trade in on one of America’s worst tragedies, you get NewsDive’s Slick Fish Award.